Hey there you fabulous person you…Happy Tuesday!
See that image at the top of the page…yes the one that looks super jenky and like a 2 year old took it….
While that image doesn’t seem like much, it actually represents something huge for me. You see, that image represents years of work. It represents freedom. It represents self-love. It represents so much more than the quality of the image indicates.
Let me take you back about 8 years….way way back….back to the time of letting an eating disorder rule my life.
You see, that food right there…that last bit in the container….that food would have been causing me agony right about now. I can see myself back then….and I can hear the thoughts that would have been stampeding through my brain…
“how dare you eat that food!” “That is not part of the daily plan!” “You are so fat! Why can’t you just get yourself under control!” “You are going to have to walk to school because you ate that you fat cow! I don’t care if it’s raining!”
And that is just a taster (excuse my pun) of what would have been going on in my head. Back in those days I had foods that were A-OK to eat and everything else was on the “absolutely do not touch or you WILL BE FAT” list. I was sick…I was obsessed with maintaining my size nothing clothes and my starvation victim look. That last bit of food shows just how little I would eat…because what you see is the only amount I would allow to go into my mouth at one time….and that last but of food…that tiny bite…showed my failure and how I would never succeed.
Fast forward about 4 years…
The food symbolized more once again.
At this point my eating disorder was in recovery and I was finally at a health weight again. However, healthy weight didn’t mean that I had a healthy relationship with food. You see, 4 years ago, this last bit of food wouldn’t be there. I would have devoured the leftovers and eaten everything until it was gone. I was numb to food. If I had to eat it, well then, I would eat it so fast that I wouldn’t even notice I was eating.
Once again, I would have thoughts streaming through my head..but this time, it would be a shock to see that I had finished the entire container of food.
“There you go again! You were supposed to pay attention Megan! Can’t you do anything right?!” “You know you have to work this off later don’t you?” “Let’s see if you can compensate with the next meal.” “You are so fat and it’s only getting worse because you have no control around food!” “You big fat slob!” “No guy is ever going to want you!”
The thoughts would go on and on…and it always ended with me numbing again and just eating or just eating because the thoughts wouldn’t stop. Not a great combo.
Nowadays that picture above shows a different story. I eat the yummy food without yelling at myself, without numbing, and without guilt. I know that this food that I eat will not effect my weight. I trust my body and I listen to what it says to me, but more importantly, I love it enough to stop beforeI feel overly full.
This last bite of food symbolizes so much. It shows how far I’ve come. It shows how different things can be. Most of all, it shows that Food Freedom is possible for me and for YOU.