A Year Ago Today I Woke Up From a Nightmare
It was 6am and I woke up to the sound of my phone buzzing and my husband sleepily telling me that my phone was ringing. In a daze of half sleep I noticed I had a missed call from my mom. “Weird” I thought…so I called her back.
“Dad got into an accident and they are taking him to the hospital.”
I sighed and told my husband…my poor dad…”here we go with another stay in the hospital” I thought….but deep inside I felt a bit of panic…something was off. I shrugged it off thinking it was just because I was a little spooked by the fact that I had just been dreaming that I was in a bad car accident and had died in the accident.
So, I threw on my favorite pink running shorts, a white t-shirt, and away we drove to my mom’s house to drop our dog off before heading to the hospital. On the drive I mused to my husband “This is just weird…why are they taking him to that hospital? Something just feels not right.”
After about 15 minutes we arrived at Placentia Linda Hospital Emergency Room…I calmly told the receptionist who I was and she immediately let me in the back “That’s odd” I thought.
I turned the corner and that is when I saw my mom…her tear streaked face told me all I needed to know before she even uttered the words “Dad didn’t make it”….and with those words…the axis totally shifted on my world and I felt as though a hole was punched right through my heart.
What followed in the next few days is a blur. So many people showing up to our house. Going to get my sister from the airport. The heartbreak on the faces of the people that loved him most. Confusion about next steps. How our lives would never be the same. And quiet walks where he told me in the clouds that he was with me (I still remember the sheer amount of JF clouds I saw).
Today marks one year since I lost my dad…my mentor…my friend..and someone I loved too deep for words. And it’s been one of the hardest years of my life….sometimes it seemed like the challenges, the curveballs, the knocks, wouldn’t stop coming.
But that’s life, isn’t it? The tough times, days, months, years, are a part of life. We have the choice how we perceive them. We can choose each day to expect the best or expect the worst. Most importantly, we can choose each day to live as if it is our last.
If there is one thing my dad did in his lifetime, it is to live big.
So many of us do not liking facing our mortality…why is that?
Because it is the fear of the unknown? It makes us feel powerless? Or maybe it’s because it shows us that we aren’t truly living?
You have a choice each day when you wake up. Even if you have responsibilities. Even when it feels like you have no choice. You have a choice each day. Will you choose to live your life on purpose? Will you choose to live to your potential? To live a life where others will mourn your absence when you are gone? To live a life that you are proud to say you lived?
You have a choice each day…each gift of time you are given…
You have a choice…
To show up…To refuse to play small…To face fear…To take leaps of faith…To follow your dreams…To love deeply…To take risks…To feel the full breadth of your emotions…To live on purpose.
You have a choice. Don’t wait until the shock of death hits your doorstep to start making the choices you will be proud of at the end of your life. 💗
Thank you dad for living on purpose. For loving fiercely. For believing in your dreams. For showing how powerful a life intentionally lived can be.
I love you.